Women’s Health Blog

In our effort to balance very full and hectic lives with our families and our jobs, we may have been neglecting an all-important facet of our child’s life: their emotional well-being. The first three years of a child’s life is a critical time for a child, and the trauma of changing child care providers or having a ‘part-time’ parent float in and out of their life can be very traumatic and destabilizing for them. It’s imperative that parents, educators, involved adults and care providers make a concerted joint effort to ensure that a child’s emotional needs are met on a daily basis, just as their physical needs are. The effects of not meeting a child’s emotional needs, especially during the first three years of life, can have devastating consequences. Violent, disruptive or defiant behaviors can result.

The first three years of life are critical in a number of ways. This is when bonding and emotional separation takes place. If there are interruptions in either of these processes, misbehaviors from the child can result. This can later have an affect on their relationships later in life and hinder them in developing their own healthy relationships as adolescents or adults.

During the first three years of life, the brain goes through its most rapid development ever, the likes of which will never been experienced again. By the time they are three years old, a child’s brain is already ‘hardwired’ from the experiences they’ve had to that point. It’s imperative that these be loving, supportive, safe, positive experiences so the brain will be conditioned to expect positive things. If they’ve been frightening, hurtful, abusive, or dangerous, then the brain is conditioned to expect negative occurrences.

Therefore it’s critical that parents, caregivers and other involved adults make a concerted effort to make sure the child’s emotional needs are met in a positive, constructive and healthy manner. Parents should ensure that the child’s care providers are stable and consistent, and don’t move them around to different childcare providers during this important phase. Ensure a child feels safe and secure with structured and consistent schedules and routines. Be sure to spend as much quality time with your child at this time as possible, regardless of your otherwise busy and hectic lifestyle. A child can sense that such a schedule is stressful to you and it can become a frightening or confusing element for them. Therefore it’s important to take time out to reassure them that you’re never too busy for them.

Remember that your child’s emotional well-being is just as important as their physical, so do your part to ensure your child knows he’s growing up safe, secure, treasured and loved.

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We all know as parents that discussing and negotiating the rules with our children is never easy. Children are all very different, and what might need to be a rule for one, may not even be an issue for another. That being said, there are many parameters that we set as parents that are the hard and fast rules – those with no ‘wiggle room.’ Those are the rules set forth to protect our child’s health, safety and well-being. These rules and their consequences should be very clearly defined and it should be understood by all involved that they are there for a very important reason and that they are ‘all or nothing.’

Rules that keep our children safe are of the utmost importance. These could include everything from teaching youngsters not to touch the hot stove to teaching your school aged child the importance of obeying the laws while riding their bicycle. Children need to understand these rules are to be followed to the letter and there is no room for negotiation here.

For adolescents and teenagers, such rules should include expectations about drinking, the use of illegal drugs, or safe defensive driving. These rules are also imperative to a child’s health, well-being and safety. There should be no room for experimentation or relaxing the rules in specific social situations.

There are rules that can be fairly and equitably negotiated with your children as well. Rules regarding how many hours per week can be spent on video game playing, what time a child is expected home for dinner, what time each night homework is to be completed, or how late a teenager is allowed to stay out on weekend nights are all rules that can be discussed openly and honestly between you and your child. These should also be consistent, however. Don’t’ allow 11 p.m. one weekend night and then tell your teenager 9:30 the following weekend night when going out with the same group of friends. If your teenager broke the 11 p.m. curfew the weekend before, the consequence of losing the privilege of going out that weekend should be strictly enforced. Don’t bend the rule just because your teenager seems genuinely sorry and promises never to do it again. Consequences should be consistent, fair, and always followed through.

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Children are inquisitive by nature. When they are younger, it’s usually because they want to better understand something. When they are older, it’s because they want to better understand why you think something is important and why they should also feel the same way. Regardless of their age, it’s imperative that when setting forth the rules and expectations in your home, your child understands there is no room for questioning the rules you set forth and the consequences of breaking the rules.

Younger children usually do not understand a lengthy explanation of why it’s important that they be home from their friend’s home at a certain time or why they aren’t allowed to play ball in the house. But the one thing they do strive to do most of the time is to make their parents proud and happy. So when a young child asks “Why?” or “Why not?” when they are told they can’t play with something or someone or why they have to obey a rule you’ve set forth, simply explain to them that “because it makes me happy when you follow the house rules and do what I have asked of you.” You should avoid using the term, “Because I said so,” as that only adds to the child’s frustration and confusion.

Older children, adolescents and teenagers alike will probably require more from your explanation. When they question “Why?” or “Why not?” it’s best to directly, honestly and clearly state your reasoning. “I asked you to be home by 10 p.m. because we have to be at the dentist’s office first thing in the morning for your check-up and we can’t be late.” It is also a great opportunity for you to reiterate the consequences of breaking the rule. “If you are not home by 10 p.m., you’ll be grounded from going to your friend’s house for a week.” Be consistent, be firm, and be clear.

Though your child may challenge you by asking your reasoning why a rule has been put in place, it also shows their growth as an individual thinker. So try not to get angry or frustrated when they do so; realize it’s their way of understanding their world around them.

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